Friday, 29 July 2011

Very Public Breakup

The local town drunk is on a bender.

Not that this is unusual, but this has been the bender to end all benders. Sober, he is the nicest man you would ever meet, but after a few too many he turns into an unreasonable, argumentative and disruptive individual. I guess this is why his live in girlfriend, also an alcoholic, left him following a very public breakup.

Lots of people argue in public but what made their breakup memorable was that it took place in the middle of the main road. Wild slapping, slurring and insults broke the air of our normally quiet hamlet. It drew a great crowd - people are drawn to watching things that aren't quite the norm and this semblance of a wrestling match was definitely not normal. The only thing missing from this fight was the leotards.

A popcorn vendor moved them onto the road verge where the fight continued. Then came the grand finale. One almighty shove and the girlfriend ended up on her back in the mud, skirt above her head, flailing around like an epileptic fish. The drunk had emerged victorious, egged on by the cheers of this carnival crowd.

The girlfriend bolted and we haven't seen her since. The drunk is still in oblivion, only now he isn't ten feet tall and bulletproof. He has become maudlin about the whole affair. His drinking buddy has disappeared, his plans of moving into a new place and starting a new life have gone and it's everyone's fault but his.

We caught a glimpse of him last night - the blind is half open on his front window and he's sitting in there with a bottle for company. I don't know whether he's trying to show everyone he's fine or he's hoping to catch a glimpse of her coming back. Either way, it's a sad state of affairs.

How do you help someone who doesn't want to help himself?

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Are Devil Cats Real?

My son and his family are interstate visiting his wife's relatives. The kids are having a ball, doing all the sightseeing, touristy things, especially the animal and theme parks. My son sent through a photo taken at one of the wildlife parks and happened to mention the cartoon animal on the sign.

And here it is...

Who said Devil Cats weren't real, huh?

Friday, 15 July 2011

Devil Cat Update 2

My granddaughter has been churning out Devil Cats at an unbelievable pace. I now have Devil Cats all over my house. They have been mainly rushed with not much thought put into them. This one was a standout because it was missing its hands and feet.

"What sort of Devil Cat is this?" I asked her. "It hasn't got any hands or feet."
She leans over and looks at it. "It's been in an accident - it doesn't have them.''
"Oh" I said. "It must have been a bad accident."
Her face goes all serious and she nods. "That's why it's got this."

She points to the side of it's face where the green lines are. I never would have got what the green lines were in a hundred years.

They're stitches.....

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Sex at 82

My mother is getting pretty tech savvy and has come a long way since that first lesson on the internet at the local library. Gone are the days of the tearful phone calls when her screen disappeared after a little venture into 'Control Panel.' Nowadays its only the odd toolbar that has decided to migrate to the side of the screen that I have to fix.

She has a Facebook account, a Twitter account and uses Skype. She is getting a bit of a following on Twitter - I am a bit jealous that HotNHairy and FlexMyMuscles don't follow me. Her new found fame however has a side effect. Her emails.

She always sends me those cute emails of puppies and kittens in various poses and clean, funny jokes that make you groan. I don't know what changed but there it was in my inbox. Three Little Ducks. A risque tale of three ducks and one called Puddles. I wont go into details.....

Fw:Fwd: FW: How Many Mice? followed shortly after. It had done the rounds of every bowling club in the state before it reached me. In a nutshell, the tagline was a moving graphic of two mice doing unspeakable things in a lightbulb.

The grand finale was Sex at 82.  Here it is:

I think next time I'm down in Melbourne it's time to put the child safe internet restriction on the computer. I wonder if she sent this one to HotNHairy?

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Greeting Etiquette

I am constantly surprised by the friendliness of other walkers that we meet on our daily walk. It's like being in a special club, regardless of size or shape you are accepted as almost a friend. The greetings range from a nod to an almost full blown conversation. I mentioned this strange phenomenon to my partner who accompanies me every day.

"Look at dogs" he said. "When they meet they wag their tails, sniff butts and go on their way. Humans are no different. It's just greeting etiquette."

As we rounded the bend, a couple were striding towards us. As per usual, they both gave us the customary greeting as they passed.

"See what I mean?" I said.

He stopped and looked at me. "Would you prefer to sniff butts?"

It's funny how a simple statement like this changes everything. The minute he spotted walkers coming towards us, he would start sniffing the air like an old bloodhound. By the time they were within earshot he would stop, but this morning he couldn't help himself. He greeted an elderly couple with a cheerful 'good morning!' and an audible sniff.

"My nose is running," he said.

I guess that's why dogs have wet noses....

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

The Stairs of Hell

I walk every day as part of my new daily regime to strengthen my heart . Living in a quiet little hamlet by the beach offers some excellent walks with beautiful scenery to help make those hard yards more enjoyable. One such walk, The Boardwalk, extends around the edge of Tilligerry Creek and down as far as the caravan park, a round trip of 5.4 kilometers. The trail winds through the mangroves, goes through a lovely park and then extends through the bush for the next leg to the caravan park. Each day I have upped the ante and gone a little bit farther before turning back for home.

Yesterday I reached this.

 It took me three goes to reach the summit and another 10 minutes to recover. Even so, I was determined that my goal over the next couple of walks would be to reach the summit of the stairs of hell in one go.

On the descent there was a group of three elderly citizens also on a fitness walk. The first, an elderly man in his late 60's, sprinted up the stairs of hell as if it was nothing. The second, a woman about the same age, breezed past barely raising a puff. The third, a gentleman who was older still, overtook the other two near the top.

Recovery can be a demoralizing experience.

I take comfort in the fact that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Everybody Loves Maisie

For the last few weeks we have had a house guest - the landlord's Neverending Story dog, Maisie. She has the most incredible, expressive eyes, and uses them to full advantage. Despite being on a strict diet, she has managed to eat the equivalent of a cow in the last 24 hours.

Not that we overfeed her, it's the thieving that adds up - a cupboard silently opened and a bag of dog food demolished, a quick clean up of what remains of our dog's dinner and a hearty helping of cat food as well as the odd table scrap weaned out of you with those mooching eyes.

Maisie is also an incredible escape artist and does this on a regular basis. That's why she is staying with us while they are away. The routine so far has been that she stays in with us at night and goes back to her yard during the day. All was working fine - the Houdini acts had stopped - she was waiting at the gate every night at 5 o'clock, ready for her sleep over.

Then things changed.

We would take her home in the morning and a few minutes later she would appear at the front window, looking in with those eyes of hers. A quick check of the perimeter of the yard failed to reveal where she was making her escape. Resigned, we let her back in and now she refuses to budge. Maisie seems to have moved in on a permanent basis.

All in all, I think she has gained about 200 pounds. Her masters are due back on Tuesday and I can see it now - Maisie waddling home like the proverbial fatted calf. They shouldn't need to feed her for a month.

That's if they can keep her there....